Planning and first steps
Questions to ask each other before deciding to have a baby
Thirty questions on money, work, home, support and values, plus a way to answer them apart, compare, and end with one shared page instead of a vague talk.
By the Bloom team12 min readUpdated November 6, 2026
Sources checked on November 5, 2026
In this article
You have started wondering whether to have a baby, or your partner has, or you are thinking about it on your own, and the questions arrive faster than the answers. Most lists of things to discuss are fine as lists. The trouble starts in the conversation itself: one person answers first, the other tends to agree, and a week later you realise you never really said what you thought. This guide gives you the questions and a method that works better than talking it through: each of you answers alone, then you compare.
Why answering apart works better than talking it through
Out loud, whoever speaks first tends to set the frame, and the other person often adjusts to it without noticing. Someone who is unsure can end up nodding along. Someone who is keen can end up softening what they really think to keep the peace. Writing alone first protects both of you, and it protects the person who needs a little longer to find their words. This is a method we suggest, not a finding from a study.
It also changes the question. "Are we ready?" has no objective answer, and it can sound like an exam one of you might fail. "What do I think about this particular thing?" does have an answer, and two people can compare those without anyone being judged.
There is a second reason to put things on paper. Research summarised by the Greater Good Science Center suggests that in couples who value fairness, a mismatch between what partners believe and expect can weigh more than the exact split of tasks, and that couples who talk openly and look for common ground tend to do better. You cannot compare beliefs you have never written down.
How to run it: alone first, then together
The whole method fits in six steps. Plan one topic per evening, spread over a few weeks, rather than one long night that leaves you both exhausted.
- 1
Agree what this is and what it is not
Say at the start that nothing is being decided and nobody is being tested. The aim is to find out what each of you thinks, so the real conversation is better informed.
- 2
Give each person their own copy
Use paper or a note the other person cannot see. Do not look at each other's answers and do not discuss the questions beforehand.
- 3
Answer alone for about twenty minutes
Keep answers short. Next to each one, mark how sure you are: S for sure, L for leaning, U for unsure. "I don't know" is a complete answer.
- 4
Swap and read in silence
Read the other page without reacting out loud. If something stings, write a note in the margin and wait.
- 5
Sort the answers together
Take the questions one by one and give each a label from the table further down: same, close, different or not yet discussed.
- 6
Talk only about the different and the undiscussed
Take turns, say back what you heard, and stop at the time you agreed. The rest of the topic can wait for another evening.
Two habits from the Better Health Channel's guidance on communication fit this exercise well: choose a calm moment, and describe how things affect you with "I" statements instead of guessing at the other person's motives. If you are too angry to listen, take a break first.
The questions, by topic
These are our own questions, grouped by topic and written to be answered alone. They are not a test, there is no score, and nobody passes or fails. Skip any that do not fit your life and add your own. If you are a single parent by choice or planning with someone who is not your partner, read "my partner" as "the people who would be in this with me".
Answer alone, in short sentences. Mark each answer S, L or U.
Whether, why and when
- Do I want a child, or do I mostly feel I should?
- What pulls me towards it, and what makes me hesitate?
- If we started this year, how would I feel, in one word?
- How many children can I picture, and is "one, then see" an acceptable answer?
- If things did not go the way we imagine, how would I want us to treat each other?
- What would make me say "not yet" and mean it?
Money
- What do I think a baby changes in our monthly money, and where did I get that idea?
- Which single cost worries me most?
- How do I feel about using savings, borrowing, or accepting help from family?
- What would I like us to have set aside before we begin?
- Who looks after money in our home now, and should that change?
Work and time
- Whose work would change, and how do I feel about that?
- How much time off would each of us want, and what do we actually know about our own workplaces?
- What does my work mean to me, and what would I not want to give up?
- Who would be the one to stay home on a sick day for the child, and have we assumed that or agreed it?
Home and people
- Where do I picture us living with a child, and does that place work as it is?
- Who could we ask for help, and who would we prefer not to involve?
- Who would look after a child while we work, and what have we assumed without checking?
- How do we split the invisible jobs today: remembering, planning, booking?
Values and daily life
- What did I like about how I was raised, and what would I do differently?
- Which two or three things would I not want to compromise on?
- How do I behave when I am tired or stressed, and what helps?
- What would I like us to promise each other before we begin?
Several of these open bigger conversations. Money and where you live are covered in save, move or wait, the budget side in a baby budget before you start, and the list of everyday jobs nobody mentions in what couples forget to plan.
How to compare your answers
After swapping pages, give every question one of four labels. The label tells you what to do next, which is why the comparison is where this method earns its keep.
| Label | What it looks like | What to do with it |
|---|---|---|
| Same | Your answers match and you are both fairly sure | Write it down as agreed and move on. Do not reopen it to be thorough. |
| Close | You lean the same way but differ in detail or strength | Spend a few minutes on the detail. A short clarification often settles it. |
| Different | Your answers point in different directions | Do not solve it tonight. Ask what is behind each answer. |
| Not yet discussed | One or both wrote unsure, or the question needs outside information | Turn it into a task: who finds out what, and by when. |
Do not be alarmed if the last row becomes the biggest pile. It usually means you have found out what there is to find out.
A made-up example
Here is an invented illustration, not a real couple, with two people called Alex and Sam. The marks show how sure each of them is.
| Question | Alex | Sam | Label | Next step |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| How many children can I picture? | Two (L) | One, then see (S) | Close | Park it for now |
| Which cost worries me most? | Childcare (S) | No idea what it costs (U) | Not yet discussed | Both price it, compare in two weeks |
| Whose work would change? | Sam's, mine is rigid (S) | Alex's, mine is rigid (S) | Different | Each explains how flexible their job really is |
| Do we want a savings target first? | Yes (S) | Yes (L) | Same | Pick a number together |
Notice what the table did. Of four questions, one is settled, one needs a short chat and two have a clear next step. The disagreement about work turned out to be two people each assuming the other would adjust, which is far easier to discuss on paper. Nobody had to win.
When your answers differ
A column full of "different" is not a verdict on you as a couple. Two people can answer differently on the same afternoon and still want the same things. It helps to work out what kind of difference you have, because each kind asks for something else.
A difference of information
- Neither of you knows yet, or you are each guessing
- Typical examples: what childcare costs, how flexible a job is
- What helps: give it an owner and a date, then look at the facts together
Often the easiest kind to move.
A difference of timing
- You agree on the what but not the when
- Typical examples: now, in a year, after a move or a job change
- What helps: ask what would need to be true for a yes, and agree a date to talk again
Naming the condition turns a standoff into a plan.
A difference of values or of whether
- The answer is about who you are, not what you know
- Typical examples: whether to have a child at all, how many, how to raise one
- What helps: slow down, take one topic at a time, listen before replying
Give it time, and the freedom to say "I don't know yet".
When you reach a real difference, these four questions keep the talk about understanding rather than winning:
- What is behind that answer for you?
- What would need to be true for it to feel different?
- Which part of my answer worries you most?
- What could we find out before we talk again?
End with one shared page
A conversation that produces no record fades within days. Finish each topic by writing down what you settled, in a form you both can find later. A single page with the same few columns for every topic is enough. Copy the table below into a note and fill the blank cells together.
| Topic | We agree that | Still open | Owner | Talk again on |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Money | ||||
| Work and time | ||||
| Home and people | ||||
| Values and daily life | ||||
| Timing |
One owner per open item, one date per owner. An open item without both is a wish.
For the evening you review the page, a fixed agenda keeps it short and kind.
- 1Two minutes: one thing each of you appreciated about the last conversation.
- 2Ten minutes: report back on the open items, owner by owner.
- 3Fifteen minutes: one new topic from the sorted list, different or undiscussed only.
- 4Five minutes: update the page, set the next date, and stop.
Doing this by hand works fine. If you would like the page, the dates and your notes in one place, you can sign up for free with no card needed; with Premium, your partner can share the same space and the AI helps organise your notes and documents.
How long should the whole process take?
Most couples find that one topic per evening over three to five weeks is comfortable. There is no deadline in the method itself; you can pause whenever you like.
What if my partner does not want to do this in writing?
Offer a lighter version: three questions from one topic, answered in voice notes or on a single sheet. The point is to answer before hearing the other person, not to produce a perfect document.
What if we disagree on almost everything?
Look at the kinds of differences first. Many turn out to be about information or timing, which are workable. If the core is a difference of values, take it slowly, one topic at a time, and consider outside help.
Can we do this if only one of us is ready to think about it?
Yes. Start with the first group, whether, why and when, and say plainly that you are only gathering views. The point is to understand each other, not to pressure anyone.
Should we repeat it?
A short review every few months is useful, because answers change as your life does. Go back to the shared page and update it instead of starting over.
These are suggestions to help you organize, not medical advice. Your professional decides what's relevant for you. How we write and check our articles
Sources
Checked on November 5, 2026. We link to the official pages instead of copying them.
- Better Health Channel. Relationships and communication
- Greater Good Science Center. How an unfair division of labor hurts your relationship
