Together
'So, when are you having kids?' What to say and who to tell
Relatives keep asking about kids. Decide together who knows what, keep a few lines ready, and copy a worksheet and a card for the next family dinner.
By the Bloom team14 min readUpdated November 6, 2026
Sources checked on November 5, 2026
In this article
Someone across the table passes the potatoes and asks, smiling, when the two of you are going to have kids. Maybe you have not decided yet; maybe you have been talking about it for a year and this is the tenth time this season. Either way you have about three seconds to choose between a joke, a fib and the truth.
Why people ask, and why it can sting
Most of the time the question comes from affection, habit or plain curiosity. The person asking rarely knows what sits behind your answer: a plan you have not shared, a decision still in progress, a disagreement you are working through, or simply a topic you would rather keep to yourselves. The same sentence can feel like a friendly nudge in one month and a bruise in the next.
That is the case for deciding ahead. When you have thought about what you want to say, you can answer from a calm place instead of from the surprise of being asked. There is no rulebook about who should hear that you are planning a baby, so everything below is suggestion, and your own family, culture and situation may point elsewhere.
Tell almost no one
- The subject stays yours, and nobody asks for news
- Fewer comments and less advice to sit through
- No one to lean on, and relatives may keep asking anyway
Works well if privacy matters most to you.
Tell a few people
- Someone who knows can listen, and can steer others away from the subject
- You choose each person and ask them to keep it private
- A little upkeep: you decide what to share as things change
A common middle path, and the easiest to adjust.
Tell most people
- The question is easy to answer, and help is easier to ask for
- Opinions and advice may arrive from many directions
- Harder to take back once it is out
Fits people who find it more tiring to hold things in.
Decide together first
If you are doing this with a partner, agree before anyone else hears anything. It is normal for two people to feel differently: one of you may want to tell their mother tonight, the other may want to tell no one. Neither is wrong. The aim is only that you do not contradict each other at a family lunch.
Choose a moment when neither of you is rushed, and put the phones away. The Better Health Channel's page on relationships and communication suggests exactly that: pick a time with no hurry or distractions, think beforehand about what you want to say, and talk about your own experience with phrases like "I feel" or "I need" instead of blaming. It also suggests repeating back what you heard to check you understood, which is useful when the topic is as loaded as this one.
Questions to settle between the two of you
What is shared
- Are we telling anyone that we are planning a baby, or keeping it between us for now?
- If yes, who is the first person, and who tells them: both of us, or one?
- Is there anything we want to keep private even from those we tell, such as how long we have been talking about it?
What is said when we are asked
- What is our default line when a relative asks, and what do we say if they ask again?
- If someone asks only one of us, how do we answer without giving the other away?
- Do we have a way to rescue each other mid-conversation, such as a word or a touch on the arm?
What happens afterwards
- If one of us tells someone more than we agreed, how do we raise it without a fight?
- When will we look at this list again, so it can change as we do?
If the two of you are not at the same point on timing, settle that first: one of you ready, the other not explains how to talk about it without turning it into a contest. If you are doing this on your own, ask the same questions together with whoever is helping you, whether that is a friend, a sibling or a co-parent; becoming a parent on your own goes through that situation.
Your circle: who knows what
A simple way to decide is to draw your circle. Put the people closest to you in the middle and everyone else further out, then write down what each person knows, what you would like from them, and whether they may pass it on. The point is that you decide what happens to your news, instead of finding out afterwards.
| Who | What they know | What we would like from them | May they share it? |
|---|---|---|---|
| Closest friend | That we are planning a baby | To listen, without advice | No, we ask them to keep it |
| My parents | Nothing yet | To stop asking at dinners | Not applicable yet |
| Partner's parents | Nothing yet | To ask us together, not one of us alone | Not applicable yet |
| A sibling | That we are planning a baby | To back us up when others press | Only with our OK |
| Group chat of friends | Nothing | To skip the baby jokes | Not applicable |
Fill it in alone first, then together, and look at it again whenever something changes. Add a column for dates if you plan to tell someone at a set time.
Choosing the first person
Many people start with someone who has kept private things well and can listen without fixing. A simple way to ask is: "I would like to tell you something private. I do not need advice, I would just like you to know and to keep it to yourself." Saying what you want, and what you do not, spares both of you a lot of guessing.
The Greater Good Science Center, in its article on setting boundaries, makes a point that fits a circle where each person knows a different amount: you do not have to justify every decision, and you can share only what is necessary to share. That is the whole idea of the worksheet above.
If your family looks different from the one people assume
The circles work the same way. Add a row for anyone who is helping you, and agree what they may say and to whom. If you are two mums or two dads you may hear questions that assume a different family; the two mums or two dads planning map covers the wider conversation. For the people you can lean on in everyday life, building a support system is a good companion to this sheet.
What to say: lines for every comfort level
Lines work best in your own voice, so change the words freely. Choose one for each level and agree on them with your partner, so that one of you does not say "we are not even thinking about it" while the other says "any day now". Copy the table into your notes or print it for the fridge.
| Level | When someone says | You could say | Good for |
|---|---|---|---|
| Light | So, when are you two having kids? | We will tell you when there is news. Now, how was your trip? | A friendly relative, a first ask |
| Light | Do not wait too long! | Thank you for caring. We are doing things in our own time. | Well-meant advice |
| Firm | When are you having a baby? | That is something we keep between the two of us. | Someone who has asked before |
| Firm | You really should hurry up. | We know you mean well. We are not going to discuss it. | Pressure or comparisons |
| Firm | Why not? What is the holdup? | Nothing to explain. We would like to drop the subject, please. | A person who pushes for reasons |
| Honest | So? Plans? | We are thinking about it and taking it one step at a time. We would love it if you did not ask for updates. | Close family you trust a little |
| Honest | Do you want kids at all? | It is a sensitive subject for us right now. It would help if you did not bring it up at dinner. | A relative who will respect it |
| Change the subject | A baby would be so lovely! | Big question for a Tuesday. Tell me about your garden instead. | A fast exit |
| Change the subject | A question at a big table | Let us not turn dinner into an interview. Who wants more potatoes? | A group setting, with a smile |
| Hand over | A relative asks only you | I will let my partner answer that one. | When you are caught off guard |
These are suggestions, not rules. Say each one calmly, with a smile if it suits you, and stop there.
Making a line stick
- Say it once, warmly, then ask the other person something about themselves.
- Repeat the same line instead of explaining more. A new reason invites a new debate.
- If someone keeps pressing, step up one level, from light to firm.
- With a repeat offender, ask your partner or a sibling to have a quiet word.
The Greater Good Science Center article offers ideas that match these lines well. It suggests preparing questions about the other person's life, such as asking about a recent trip or a grandchild, so you can steer away from a topic you would rather avoid. It also suggests writing down in advance what you expect to happen and how you will respond, agreeing on a code word with a partner or friend that means "I need an excuse to leave", and enforcing a boundary consistently, because uneven enforcement teaches people it is not serious.
Lines that tend to make things harder
A joke you do not mean can be quoted back to you for years, and an invented reason, such as "we are saving up for a house", is something you will have to keep up. When in doubt, the short true line, "we keep that private", is easier to maintain than any story.
When the questions weigh on you
If the subject is tender for any reason, you do not have to answer cheerfully. It is fine to say that you would rather not talk about it, to leave the room for a minute, or to skip, for a while, the gatherings where it always comes up. You are not rude for protecting your peace.
- Choose one trusted person and tell them how it feels. One honest listener often helps more than five well-wishers.
- Ask for something small and specific, such as: "Please change the subject if anyone brings it up at the party."
- Agree with your partner who answers on behalf of both of you, so neither is left alone with the question.
- Give yourself a quiet evening after the gathering.
A card for the family dinner
Holidays and big family meals are where the question tends to come up most. Take ten minutes with your partner beforehand and decide the lines below. You can copy this list into your notes or onto a card in your pocket.
Before the family dinner
Agree with your partner before you go
- One light line each of us will use if asked, and one firm line if asked again.
- A signal for "rescue me": a word, a glance or a hand on the arm.
- What we will not discuss, and who answers if the question comes to one of us alone.
At the table
- Say the line once, warmly, and then ask the person something about themselves.
- If it is too much, step out for a minute: refill the drinks, take a walk, check on the dishes.
- Do not feel you have to fill every silence with an explanation.
Afterwards
- Spend ten minutes together on what worked, what did not and what hurt.
- Note any relative who needs a firmer line next time, and who could help.
- Thank whoever helped, and do something nice for the two of you.
If you change your mind about who knows
Plans change, and so can how much you want people to know. You can widen the circle, narrow it, or tell someone more than you said before. What matters is that you do it on purpose and together. The same goes for the practical questions that follow, such as how you will share the space at home: making space at home, room by room is a calm place to start.
- 1
Tell your partner first
Before you change anything, say what you would like to change and why, and listen to their view.
- 2
Decide what and in what order
People talk. If you tell one relative, assume others may hear soon, and decide whether you would rather tell them yourselves.
- 3
Ask each person directly
Say: "Please keep this to yourself for now." Do not assume that someone understands without being asked.
- 4
If something was passed on
Say how you feel without blame: "I would have preferred to say it myself. From now on, could you check with us first?" Then update your sheet.
- 5
Update the worksheet
Cross out, add and date what changed, so that you both work from the same picture.
Do we have to tell our families at all?
No. Many couples share only when they feel ready, and some share very little. Decide together what you want, and revisit it whenever either of you wants to.
What if my partner wants to tell people and I do not?
Start with what each of you is protecting or hoping for, using "I" statements, and listen without interrupting. A middle path, such as telling one trusted person, often settles it for now.
What do I say if someone keeps asking?
Repeat the same short line calmly, then move one level firmer. Giving new reasons usually invites new questions.
Should we tell our friends before our parents?
There is no right order. Some people prefer a friend who listens without opinions, others start with a parent. Choose the person you trust to keep it private.
Someone shared our news without asking. What now?
Say how you feel without blame, ask them to check with you next time, and update your worksheet so you both know who knows what.
These are suggestions to help you organize, not medical advice. Your professional decides what's relevant for you. How we write and check our articles
Sources
Checked on November 5, 2026. We link to the official pages instead of copying them.
- Greater Good Science Center. How to Set Boundaries When You've Never Been Taught How
- Better Health Channel. Relationships and communication
